The Official Guide: How to be a real fan.

Hello, dear people of the interwebs.

Have you just discovered your new favourite movie? Have you decided you really looove this and that film star? Say you just read The Book Thief and decide it's your favourite book EVER. Or say you just started to watch Downton Abbey and decide you are a FAN FOR LIFE. Or that you just discovered Carrie Underwood and decide that there is no other human being on earth with a better voice than her. Or than you very strongly believe no-one on earth is better than Jennifer Lawrence.... congratulations, you are a FAN!

Now... being a fan is a large, pressing responsibility. According to Google Dictionaries, a fan is (no, not the wind-blowing machine) "a person who has a strong interest in or admiration for a particular person or thing." This is what boring people define fans as. What dictionaries don't tell you is that there is a price to pay; and there are duties you must fulfill in order to be a real, true, loving fan. Being a fan takes time, money and a huge place in your heart. Not to mention energy. Now I realise that as an early-born fan, it will be hard for you to know where to start. Your heart is probably bursting with love for The Hunger Games, Taylor Swift or whatever you are fan-ing about; you probably have no idea how to do this!

Don't worry, not to worry, I am here to help you out. As a very experienced fan I am proud to announce:

The official guide to how to be a real fan.

Number one - BUY ALL THE THINGS.

Let's take an example. For instance, Downton Abbey. You discover it; maybe via a friend or via the peer pressure of society. Then you get hooked; as of course one would.

Now, the first duty you must take into practise as a fan is to own ALL the fan-material. In the case of Downton Abbey, this would be: Buy all the DVD's - aka, the entire box set. Then buy the 'official guide to Downton Abbey' by Julian Fellowes' daughter. Then that behind-the-scenes book with the gorgeous full-colour pictures; then the 'entire Downton Abbey scripts.' But we don't stop there; oh no. You still need the posters; the cushions, the bed-spread, and the Downton Abbey cookbook. And then find out if someone made Downton Abbey bookmarks or necklaces on Etsy and buy them too. Oh, and these tea-cups. DUHH.

What the haters do is they say it isn't worth all the money. We must do everything in our power to prove to those haters that that is not true. At all.

Oh, and DON'T FORGET T-SHIRTS.

Number Two - Go to places

So, your bedroom is all whatever-you're-obsessing-about-themed? You have four Tom Hiddleston-T-shirts? You have ALL the cd's in which Jeremy Jordan is featured? You own every single Hamilton keychain avaliable on Amazon, Etsy and Ebay? Great. Good job. Your fan points are rising.

However, in order to call yourself a real fan, I'm afraid you'll have to redig your purse. All in good cause, of course, because as a fan you should only be dying to go and visit allll the places. That museum - that exhibition - that movie location - that concert... as a fan you should be able to tell you friends, 'Oh yeah, I went to two Willis Clan concerts' or, 'Oh yeah, I've been inside Highclere Castle several times' or, 'I've been to all the seven Florence Nightingale museums in Britain.' (I have no idea if there are seven - just invented it for the sake of creativity.)

This one will make you a Very Important Sounding Fan. High fan scores.

Number Three - Watch ALL the videos

Whatever your fandom is, there are videos on Youtube to watch - there are ALWAYS videos to watch. Interviews, documentaries, trailers, behind the scenes-stuff, q&a's... watch all the videos.

A prime example in this situation is Newsies - the fun-loving, rythmic musical of newspapers boys going on a strike while singing ridiculously amazing songs and striking ridiculously impressive dance moves. There are loads of behind-the-scenes Newsies videos ("Hi, I'm Andrew Keenan-Bolger and I play Crutchie in Newsies" - tell me that rings a bell.) on Youtube and as a fansie it is thy honourable duty to WATCH THEM ALL. Your life is NOT complete if you haven't see them ALL.

(Also, one needs to get and understand allll the fandom's inside jokes, ammirite?)

Number four - Fan accounts

This is for when your fandom is so near and dear to your heart that you want to do something even more. It shows true sense of devotion and seriousness and people will truly see you as a real fan of whatever it is. Create a fan account: a fan blog / a fan tumblr / a fan instagram account... I mean, the list of possible fan accounts and websites and blogspots and webspots are endless.

The fact that you'll probably get sick of it and stop posting on it after a while has nothing to do with the matter. And of course you have TIME to run these accounts... time is love and you LOVE YOUR FANDOMS RIGHT?!!

(PROVE IT THEN. You NEED to PROVE your LOVE. In fan accounts. Now.)

Number five - Be creative

Examples are indicated in the following list:

a) Fan sketches. You like to doodle around and have fun with the pencil? Sketch your favourite actor! Or your favourite Anne of Green Gables character. Sketch Lizzie from The Lizzie Bennet Diaries. Show your love for these people and fandoms through the magic of sketch. (If you cannot sketch you can i) try or  ii) just don't do it because it might be terribly embarrassing.)

b) Fan hashtags. This is one you could start if you're on Instagram or Twitter - start a fan hashtag! Make it go trending. #elizabethanddarcyforthewin #elinorlovesedward #iamafansie #Hamiltonforthewin #DowntonAbbeyisthebest #WHYDIDMATTHEWDIE.

c) Fan videos. Here's how you make fan videos. In five short steps: i) Just take some clips of your favourite fandom couple. ii) Put it in slowmotion. iii) Use a cool filter to make it look unique. iiii) put a love pop song on the background. iiiii) Post it on Youtube and share it on Google+. EASY.

d) Create shipnames. Dr Turner + Sister Bernadette = Turnadette. Darcy + Lizzie = Dizzy. Emma Woodhouse + Mr Knightley = Knighthouse. All the couples need a shipname.

e) Make gifs. And scatter them all over the interwebs.

f) Fan pictures. They're all over pinterest. MAKE THEM yourSELF. We need MORE. (Easiest way to make it look like you're an excellent fan by creating cool, creative pictures? Put a filter over a picture and put a quote or an overused sentiment on it. In a nice font. Aaaand you're done.) Example:

(In all seriousness, this is a cute picture.)

Number Six - Pin all the Pins

On the subject of pictures and Pinterest... HAVE FANDOM BOARDS. Pin every single lil' pin there is to find on the Thing you Love. Make loooooaaaaads of separate boards. (Say you love Jane Austen? Make a Pride and Prejudice board. A Sense and Sensibility one. A Persuasion one. BE DEVOTED.)

Number Seven - DEFEND IT.

Discussions with the haters - these require sweat and energy and true strength, but as a real fan, this is one of the most important things you have to do. It is a duty and an absolute must - you HAVE to interfere and discuss and defend and rant whenever you hear someone (or see someone) say anything slightly offensive or negative about this and that movie/person/whatevs you love. Use A LOT OF CAPITAL LETTERS TO DEMONSTRATE YOUR POINT, use italics shamelessly, and Why not bold things up. Lines such as 'ur a hater!' and 'go away' and 'ur have NO idea what ur talking about' are great persuasive tools.

There are always occasions to do this - I mean, go to any Youtube fan video/ or trailer/ or documentary/ whatEVER and you'll see mean comments. If you don't, you'll see that there's at least one (probably like, 31, or, if it's a popular video, 49800000) dislikes - which gives you the sublime opportunity to comment: "The 31 people who disliked this do not have a heart." Or SOMETHING icy and defensive.

Basically, as a true fan, you must make other fans - you must tell people the TRUTH and tell it them right in their face - the hard way.

Obviously EVERYTHING in the fandom is PERFECT. Nothing in it is even remotely bad. Nothing your favourite celebrity does is even remotely bad... I mean, everyone makes mistakes sometimes but they are really PERFECT human beings. They are superhuman and amazing and well they are famous and popular and beautiful and that must mean they are perfect. DUH. I mean, the fact that they need defending proves that... um... right?!!


(*insert picture of Big Head Kid and Famous Person to see how many people watch Blimey Cow*)

Number Eight: Identify yourself as a 'fandom name.'

The fandom name. Ahh, they are badges we wear with honour and gratitude and pride. Haniacs (Hunter Hayes Fans), Austenites (Jane Austen fans), Cowmoonity (Blimey Cow fans), Swifties (Taylor Swift fans), Cumberbabes (Benedict Cumberbatch fans.)... the list of titles in the world of fandoms is endless. Be proud and stand tall and wear the fandom name with grace, dear people. Maybe you can wear a T-shirt with the word on... maybe you can hashtag #iamahiddlestoner (if you're a Tom Hiddleston fan) on every single Instagram post. I mean, it's part of your IDENTITY guys. Show it.

I mean... because you need to have a NAME to PROVE that you're a fan, right? To prove that you're part of the family... the fan-family, right? If you don't have that it's like you are ashamed of it and it's like you don't want to be a fan.

Fandom names is also what brings the fans together. Vital. Mary and Lavinia were both Matthewites, and it created a very unique bond between the two of them.

Number nine: Know facts/lyrics by heart.

... DUH.

I should have mentioned this earlier, but... duh. I mean... DUH.

It is EXPECTED of you that you know allll the Hamilton songs word to WORD before you are worthy of the title 'real fan.' You should know all the background information... all the facts... all the lyrics... all the quotes... I mean DUH.

DUH.

Number ten: Tell people you are the BIGGEST fan.

Now you can actually TELL people you're the biggest fan. The fact that you can't in reality really weigh love or obsessions has nothing to do with it - if you feel like the number one fan, that means you ARE the number one fan. You can tell people stuff like: "Oh my gosh! I'm like, her number ONE fan...' and then you can talk about all the stuff you have to prove it. Because obviously, as a real fan, you have a lot of backing up to prove that this fact is true.

If it is an actor or a person you are a huge fan of, you can actually interact (or attempt to) with whoever it is - you can comment stuff like:

"I AM UR NO 1 BIGGEST FAN"
"I LOVE U SO MUCH CHECK MY ACCOUNT PLZ"
"You are my fave I'm like your biggest fan srously I've got all your books."
"i drew u!!! i love you!!! i'm yr BIGGEST fan!!!"
"like if ur a swiftie"
"Like this comment if you are a REAL fan."
"OMG I AM HIS NUMBER ONE FAN."

This will really warm the heart of whoever you are talking too. They will feel enormously flattered.

Now you have it... you know now the road to becoming a real fan. Good luck guys. ;-)

{Okay... for those of you who are confused: This post is STRONGLY emulated with little bits of dry irony and sarcasm. Obviously no-one should be this besotted about anything on this world. That would be rather stupid of you.} (Because um, you can be a fan of something without social media and T-shirts and dvd collections and concert tickets to prove it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.)