Responding to Search Keywords

(Pictures: randomly found online, as usual.)

(Inspired by the everlastingly creative and energetic Paper Fury (aka Cait) who does hilarious posts on this.)

Blogging is cool; I love blogging. As many bloggers have admitted without shame before; there are times when I greatly enjoy looking at the stats; the number of pageviews (227057) (what the bonanzas I know), the followers (150. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY. Stoppit and thank you), and, best of all, the Search Keywords people submit before stumbling upon my blog. Unfortunately, I cannot see many (only the frequent/ recent ones - I wish I could see alll of them, because it's quite interesting. And if it's not interesting, it's amusing.) but there are some I can see in my 'stats' section and well, here are my responses to them. For fun. For waste of time. For amusement, and all that.

(And also because my sister says I have to post something funny so try to be witty I shall. I do things for my dear sisters, you see; it is my duty as a moral human being.) (Yes yes, I'll shut up. Thanks for asking.)

"A blogger is a person who"

Why would you search that, my dear. I mean, if you search something like that, you might as well, simply finish the bally sentence. Here, let me help you. A blogger is a person who owns a blog. Or writes blog posts. Or a blogger is a person who pretends to make their life look really fancy and cool online when in reality they're writing on their laptop in their dark corner of their bedroom. (Me. :-P)

Or maybe you want a post on what kind of person a blogger is. In that case, I get that you can't finish your search sentence. However, not trying to be critical here or anything like that, but maybe a better way to phrase (gosh, I spelt it fraze first - that is really really embarrassing, don't tell anyone I did that) your search keywords is, "What kind of person is a blogger?" Rather than 'A blogger is a person who'. Just a suggestion.

Also, it's a stupid question. No offence. Obviously bloggers are all people who decided, 'hey let's make a blog.' But that's where their similarities end. We have boring bloggers and interesting bloggers and fashion bloggers and photography bloggers and really wacky ones and really inspirational ones. Don't put us into one label, my dear. Rude.

"wondermland creek"

Not quiiiite. That m between the r and the l? Shouldn't be there. Try better next time.

"z lark rise do candleford"

I bet you're the same one as the 'wondermland creek' one. You should stop googling stuff on your phone, my dear; or either you should simply get some spelling lessons. (I'm sure you can find some online.) 

It's Lark Rise TO Candleford, not do. Lark risers don't do candleford. They go to it. (Have you seen the show? If you haven't, you're excused. But go watch it because it's really good.) As for the z in the beginning - I don't know what you did there. Maybe you're French; they tend to put random Z'ds here and then when they're speaking English.

(ignore the cigarette :-P)

"call the midwife hair"

Yes, there's hair in Call the Midwife. But you shouldn't call a midwife Hair; you should call them Midwives. Please. I want my blog to be a respectful place. Don't call people names.

"narnia war"

(Emma, I just looked at you and laughed.)

Well... Yes, there's a narnia war on this blog; you're right. It's been a while since I got another comment on my very old blog post on my feelings on Narnia (I won't link to it because it's embarrassing :-P) (Basically I said I didn't like it and some people Disagreed) but I think you might be able to call it a narnia war if you're fond of hyperboles.

"what a glorious feeling i'm happy again"

I'm glad to hear that, my dear. It's always good to see someone spreading positivity in the Search Keywords section.

"maths and more intext: email site:be"

I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR.

Maths? Did I hear a word that just sent a shiver down my spine? I do NOT want that word EVER to be associated with my blog, DO YOU HEAR?!! (I bet you're that creepy person that used to send me spam comments. I have no idea why you'd think I'd even want to know more about maths. And no, I don't care about your email site. Go away. Buzz off.)

"mary poppins white dress"

Yes, she does have a white dress. I like it too.

"maryanne dashwood wedding dress"

Major Jane Austen attacker right here. Maryanne; someone wrote MARYanne. I am shocked; grieved. My dear reader, do not ever spell Marianne Dashwood's name with a Y; that is simply unheard of. I'm afraid you will not be able to call yourself a true Janeite before you clear that terrible spelling mistake up. Really.

As for her wedding dress; yes she's got one. I believe I mentioned it ages ago (I don't like linking to old posts, but here it is, for you, because you asked so nicely.), however, I only give you permission to visit my blog if you promise to spell Marianne the right way in the future. (Now go; you are forgiven of your sins.)

"naomi 15 blogspot"

You're right, that's roughly what my URL consists of. Good job.

"content"

I'm afraid you aren't being concise enough. What do you mean by 'content', pray? Yes, it's a word with seven letters. Yes, I have content in my blog - otherwise it wouldn't be anything in the first place. And no, I hope I don't have any unsuitable content on here, if that's what you mean. Please, in the future, be clearer in your message. I'm a busy woman; I have no time to deal with unclear Search Keywords. (Note I say woman, as I am now 18 and no longer 17. :-P)

"wonderland creek naomi"

You're boring.

This was really fun. Now fare thee well, superfriends. Don't be stupid or make bad decisions. Stay awkward. Be messy and leave good messyges. (If you got all that; we watch the same Youtube channels which means you're a pretty awesome human being; so good job.)

Here's something crazy.

I once heard that if the galaxy were the size of the USA, you and me and this whole huge world we live in would fit in a small coffee cup. That baffled me. I heard that there was this star that it was so big that if the world were the size of a soccer ball, that star would be the size of the Mount Everest, that mountain so tall that people die climbing it. And that's just one star out of uncountably many. That mindboggled me. 

I feel like I'm not precise enough. Let me guide you to this post on this subject. You don't have to read all of it; just scroll down the post and look at the pictures. Then just think about the tiny specks we are. (Seriously, go and do it. It won't take long. Then come back.)

Wow. I am tiny.

And what mindboggles me more is that GOD CAME TO THIS TINY EARTH. In this huge beautiful dazzling galaxy which we can only sort of partly see through expensive microscopes and which we can only sort of admire on a clear starry evening, He came to the earth. That tiny soccer ball. That tiny ball that fits in a metaphorical coffee cup. That tiny ball that, if it were a mere inch closer to the sun, it would mean we would all die of the heat, and if it were a mere inch further away from the sun, it would mean we would all die of the freezingness. That tiny ball He put in the exact right place. That tiny ball He put me in.

Man, I am tiny.

Seesh, God is huge. Mindbogglingly insanely huge. And He came to this tiny world and walked on it in a tiny, human stature. As God. As Man. For us, tiny wretched beings, that huge and awesome God, did that. I mean... what even. Thank you Jesus.

The Big Bang needs a Big Banger.

 (I started copying out some random verses I love and I scrambled some of them together and this is what I got. Words aren't my own. :-)) (I know it's short, but it's beautiful. Read it through slowly and taste each sentence.)

The heavens declare the glory of God. The skies proclaim the work of His Hands. Day after day, they pour forth speech; night after night, they display knowledge. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. Know that the Lord, He is God! It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture. O Lord, you preserve both man and beast. How priceless is your unfailing love! Your love, o Lord, reaches to the heavens; your faithfulness to the skies. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains. Your justice is like the great deep. By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me. Send your light and your truth. Let them guide me; let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell.

If Period Drama Characters had Internet Bios #5 - {Musical edition}

THE SOUND OF MUSIC

@FrauleinMARIA Music is life, curtains make great clothes, God is good; have confidence in sunshine!

@CaptainGeorg_vonTrapp Call me captain.

@Liesl_vonTrapp 🍸👗 16 going on 17; don't need a governess; old enough to taste my first champagne. 💓 Telegrams.

@Friedrich_vonTrapp I'M IMPOSSIBLE.

@Louisa_vonTrapp i'm brigitta just kidding lol, i'm louisa! i can climb up waterpipes with a jar of spiders in my hand. #beware

@Kurt_vonTrapp Apparently I'm Incorrigable. COOL.😁

@Brigitta_vonTrapp 丨Bookworm丨Hate ugly dresses丨Dark hair丨

@Marta_vonTrapp I love my pink parasol. I'm seven. 

@Gretl_vonTrapp 🖐

@heil_ROLF German telegraph boy with handsome brown shirt. #me

@UncleMaxDetweiler I like the way I live when I'm with rich people. Better still, talented ones. #vontrappfamilysingers

@The_baroness Blonde beauty, fiancé to a rich captain. I play harmonica and like the word 'boarding school.'

@FrauSchmidt Beware of frogs.

@Mother_Abbess Climb every mountain, tiiiiil youuuu fiiiiiind youuuuuur dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam!

@SisterBerthe I am a nun, @FrauleinMARIA is a clown.

MARY POPPINS

@The_Mary_Poppins I'm suoicodilaipxecitsiligarfilacrepus; practically perfect in every way. Now spit spot.

@thatguyBert Chimney sweepah, paivment paintah, music playah. #Stepintime

@Jane_Banks Wanted: a nanny for two adorable children. Contact me if you fit requirements! I promise I'm an angel.

@Michael_Banks Teach me how to snap my fingers plz i need this in my life.

@Mr_Banks I update this bio every year, January 3rd, at 3:51: on the dot. Punctuality is key!

@WinifredBanks Votes for Women! (ssh don't tell darling husband about this account!)

@Uncle_Alfred LOVE TO LAUGH LOLOLOLOLOLLLL

@The_Senior_Mr_Dawes Invest your tuppence, safely in the bank, @Michael_Banks!

@Admiral_Bloom don't ask me why I do what I do.

@Katienanna goodbye

@Thebird_Woman Feed the birds; tuppence a bag. Feed the birds; tuppence a bag. etc.

@the_penguins we dance better than bert lol and pamela travers hates us lol

MY FAIR LADY

@Liza_Doolit'l 🥀🍫i'm a GOOD gerl y AM8! ain't nothin bad 'bout me not even my haccent! y ate enry iggins! 

@Henry_Higgins My dear little guttersnipe, @Liza_Doolit'l, you did not eat me because I am still alive as I write. Now do your exercises.

@ColonelPickering Have faith; be kind: speak well.

@Alfred_Doolittle gettin' married in the morning; wont elaborate because t'might get vulgar! lol!

@Mrs_Pearce I could do with less noise in the house. Poor professor Higgins.

@Freddy_Eynsford_Hill No place on earth where I would rather be than on the street of my beloved crush. #truelovethistime

@MRS_Higgins @Henry_Higgins, you do NOT call someone a guttersnipe online. That's rude, darling.

Fictional Characters

I'd like to be riding a bicycle, doing something important with an undercover spy name, riding through German fields, the long grass whipping my bare legs; bits of past pitter-pattering through my memory as the mauve evening clouds whizz behind me. (Violins of Autumn)

I'd like to be a beautiful city girl, hair blonde, like a doll in a shop, embarking on a forced adventure of horseback rides, squirrel meat, dark mines and little dark bedrooms filled with lotions and herbs hanging down in bunches from the ceiling. I'd like to be in the middle of a dazzling plot; to be the one who knows all the secrets and who has to keep quiet because someone's life depends on it. (Wonderland Creek.)

I'd like to have a long-legged man as a pen-friend, and write down witty, warm words to him after a day of school, random happenings, and a little bit of extravagant shopping. I would sketch some silly things in the letter margins, just for fun and sign off in French to show him how smart I'm becoming. (Daddy Long Legs.)

I'd like to be a poor, grey-eyed orphan with an imagination as brilliant as a thousand rainbows, a tongue with a gracious voice, and a vocabulary to dazzle even Shakespeare. I'd like to be adopted into a red-and-green island, with beaches and birches and ponds and orchards as friends, and enough blossom to fuel the imagination to the next level of brilliance. (Anne of Green Gables.)

I'd like to be the only long-haired girl in a town of fashionably-bobbed girls, and to stand out because of other reasons too; bold faith, bubbly smile; odd potato-sack dresses. I'd like to be someone's best friend, her little rock in her rocky time of life; I'd like to give her comfort and show her hope through God, good people, beautiful photos and melancholy, soul-dripping poems in a queer little book. (The Sweetest Thing.)

I'd like to have a charmingly croaky husband with a mysteriously locked writing room, a small house on an island surrounded by nature-book-worthy scenery, and an old, vulgar car with a Ladies name which, of course, I happily share with the mysteriously lovable husband. (The Blue Castle.)

I'd like to be in a story narrated by an abstract feature of life, a story of books, accordion playing, lists of words, and friends like the schoolmate with the hair the colour of lemons and the friend who painted over hitler to make a book for me; that secret dark-eyed friend in the cold basement. (The Book Thief.)

... This is why I love reading. I can be all these people just by burying myself into the pages and the words and the beautifully woven stories. Magic right there, readers.

4 Things in a unified 1 Post.

This post consists of four things: 1. A random Call the Midwife The New Christmas Special picture. 2. A story snippet of some random thing I started to work on last week which involves a proposal and a refusal. 3. A random picture of Trixie Franklin looking glamorous as usual, and 4. Very deep life advice.

THE CALL THE MIDWIFE THE NEW CHRISTMAS SPECIAL PICTURE:

THE STORY SNIPPET OF SOME RANDOM THING I STARTED TO WORK ON LAST WEEK WHICH INVOLVES A PROPOSAL AND A REFUSAL:

         One autumn day – in fact, last week – when he had greeted me with his usual “Hello, Holly Mae Webster” after I had visited the post office, I turned to him and told him, “Excuse me, sir, but there is no need to repeat my full name every time you greet me. I am fully aware my last name is Webster.”

         I should not have spoken of last names. He took it as a resounding hint and an unambiguous begging for a proposal.

         “You are fully aware?” he asked.

         “Of course! Who is not, pray, fully aware of their own name?”

         “I bet you must be,” he smiled nicely, “As a young girl. I bet young girls are always extra aware of their last names.”

         The inward groan I made at that point could have risen dead from their graves, but before I could properly process what was going on, he had grabbed my hand and said, “I could change your last name for you!”

         And this is where I finally addressed matters.

         What I said to him then I cannot fully remember, but I shall write down what I remember I (and he) said, rely on my imagination and then elaborate somewhat. I do fully remember that it was on the public road and that we happened to be wearing matching outfits which, he pointed out innocently, was another sign – sent from heaven!

         “Mr Smith,” I said, “I am eighteen years old – why would I be interested in you?”

         “Why – why – we’re both writers! We’re of the same sort! We’re the same kind! We understand each other!”

         Very much offended by this jaunty remark I proceeded to say that no, I did not understand him.

         “But we’re both writers!”

         “Napoleon and Wellington both led an army but they managed to be each other’s biggest enemies.” (I admit I was proud of this slick response.)

         “You should be thankful,” Ben Smith said.

         “What? Thankful? Yes, I am thankful for many things but that does not include your proposal to me, Mr Smith.”

         At this point, he started to get angry. “I am RICH! I am a famous, PUBLISHED author! You’re just a little magazine writer!”

         “Oh and? That will make me jump off my feet for joy, will it?”

         “Yes! If you marry me –” (in which I shudder inwardly) “– I could, why I could make you a famous author! Your books would be in the shops.”

         “Excuse me, Mr Smith, but becoming a famous author is not –”

         “You’ve seen my house! I have footmen waiting on me, chandeliers dangling from my ceiling, and bedrooms by the dozen! I host the towns’ biggest parties; I own dozens of farms; I employ tenants and I could offer you wardrobes bigger than the Titanic.”

         “I don’t want –”

         “Why, I have seen your house! That little bucky old thing. You have a small attic room. Your father is a mere – pardon the blunt talk – a mere merchant.”

         “I’m afraid I am not convinced or attracted in the least,” I dryly said, secretly outraged by his comments on my house. My house, dear readers, is a beautiful little brick thing with charming turquoise windows and a turquoise front door. It is home and I cannot imagine life without it.

         “Also, I want to marry you because I love you.” He didn’t sound sincere at all, but for a fleeting second, I felt bad for him.

         “Well the attraction is not mutual, Mr Smith.” I eyed him angrily. “That is all.”

         Then I marched home.

THE PICTURE OF TRIXIE FRANKLIN LOOKING GLAMOROUS AS USUAL:

THE VERY DEEP LIFE ADVICE:

Make week resolutions rather than year resolutions (better still - daily ones; hour-ly ones... because those are actually keepable), get excited for Call the Midwife Season six, email random emails to people, read Chasing Jupiter by Rachel Coker and try not to cry when Frank stammers his love and when Cliff is no longer Cliff (WHYYYYY), eat healthy, and listen to the following two soundtracks because I just(ish) discovered them and I love them: La La Land Soundtrack and Top Hat Soundtrack. The former is an exquisite ice-cream on a blossoming spring evening and the latter is chique thirties with rythms and waltzies to make you pine for better dancing shoes. Highly recommend both. Although they might make you wish your life was a musical. Maybe.

(Bonus life tip: Read Psalm 19. It's beautiful.)