The Official Guide: How to be a real fan.

Hello, dear people of the interwebs.

Have you just discovered your new favourite movie? Have you decided you really looove this and that film star? Say you just read The Book Thief and decide it's your favourite book EVER. Or say you just started to watch Downton Abbey and decide you are a FAN FOR LIFE. Or that you just discovered Carrie Underwood and decide that there is no other human being on earth with a better voice than her. Or than you very strongly believe no-one on earth is better than Jennifer Lawrence.... congratulations, you are a FAN!

Now... being a fan is a large, pressing responsibility. According to Google Dictionaries, a fan is (no, not the wind-blowing machine) "a person who has a strong interest in or admiration for a particular person or thing." This is what boring people define fans as. What dictionaries don't tell you is that there is a price to pay; and there are duties you must fulfill in order to be a real, true, loving fan. Being a fan takes time, money and a huge place in your heart. Not to mention energy. Now I realise that as an early-born fan, it will be hard for you to know where to start. Your heart is probably bursting with love for The Hunger Games, Taylor Swift or whatever you are fan-ing about; you probably have no idea how to do this!

Don't worry, not to worry, I am here to help you out. As a very experienced fan I am proud to announce:

The official guide to how to be a real fan.

Number one - BUY ALL THE THINGS.

Let's take an example. For instance, Downton Abbey. You discover it; maybe via a friend or via the peer pressure of society. Then you get hooked; as of course one would.

Now, the first duty you must take into practise as a fan is to own ALL the fan-material. In the case of Downton Abbey, this would be: Buy all the DVD's - aka, the entire box set. Then buy the 'official guide to Downton Abbey' by Julian Fellowes' daughter. Then that behind-the-scenes book with the gorgeous full-colour pictures; then the 'entire Downton Abbey scripts.' But we don't stop there; oh no. You still need the posters; the cushions, the bed-spread, and the Downton Abbey cookbook. And then find out if someone made Downton Abbey bookmarks or necklaces on Etsy and buy them too. Oh, and these tea-cups. DUHH.

What the haters do is they say it isn't worth all the money. We must do everything in our power to prove to those haters that that is not true. At all.

Oh, and DON'T FORGET T-SHIRTS.

Number Two - Go to places

So, your bedroom is all whatever-you're-obsessing-about-themed? You have four Tom Hiddleston-T-shirts? You have ALL the cd's in which Jeremy Jordan is featured? You own every single Hamilton keychain avaliable on Amazon, Etsy and Ebay? Great. Good job. Your fan points are rising.

However, in order to call yourself a real fan, I'm afraid you'll have to redig your purse. All in good cause, of course, because as a fan you should only be dying to go and visit allll the places. That museum - that exhibition - that movie location - that concert... as a fan you should be able to tell you friends, 'Oh yeah, I went to two Willis Clan concerts' or, 'Oh yeah, I've been inside Highclere Castle several times' or, 'I've been to all the seven Florence Nightingale museums in Britain.' (I have no idea if there are seven - just invented it for the sake of creativity.)

This one will make you a Very Important Sounding Fan. High fan scores.

Number Three - Watch ALL the videos

Whatever your fandom is, there are videos on Youtube to watch - there are ALWAYS videos to watch. Interviews, documentaries, trailers, behind the scenes-stuff, q&a's... watch all the videos.

A prime example in this situation is Newsies - the fun-loving, rythmic musical of newspapers boys going on a strike while singing ridiculously amazing songs and striking ridiculously impressive dance moves. There are loads of behind-the-scenes Newsies videos ("Hi, I'm Andrew Keenan-Bolger and I play Crutchie in Newsies" - tell me that rings a bell.) on Youtube and as a fansie it is thy honourable duty to WATCH THEM ALL. Your life is NOT complete if you haven't see them ALL.

(Also, one needs to get and understand allll the fandom's inside jokes, ammirite?)

Number four - Fan accounts

This is for when your fandom is so near and dear to your heart that you want to do something even more. It shows true sense of devotion and seriousness and people will truly see you as a real fan of whatever it is. Create a fan account: a fan blog / a fan tumblr / a fan instagram account... I mean, the list of possible fan accounts and websites and blogspots and webspots are endless.

The fact that you'll probably get sick of it and stop posting on it after a while has nothing to do with the matter. And of course you have TIME to run these accounts... time is love and you LOVE YOUR FANDOMS RIGHT?!!

(PROVE IT THEN. You NEED to PROVE your LOVE. In fan accounts. Now.)

Number five - Be creative

Examples are indicated in the following list:

a) Fan sketches. You like to doodle around and have fun with the pencil? Sketch your favourite actor! Or your favourite Anne of Green Gables character. Sketch Lizzie from The Lizzie Bennet Diaries. Show your love for these people and fandoms through the magic of sketch. (If you cannot sketch you can i) try or  ii) just don't do it because it might be terribly embarrassing.)

b) Fan hashtags. This is one you could start if you're on Instagram or Twitter - start a fan hashtag! Make it go trending. #elizabethanddarcyforthewin #elinorlovesedward #iamafansie #Hamiltonforthewin #DowntonAbbeyisthebest #WHYDIDMATTHEWDIE.

c) Fan videos. Here's how you make fan videos. In five short steps: i) Just take some clips of your favourite fandom couple. ii) Put it in slowmotion. iii) Use a cool filter to make it look unique. iiii) put a love pop song on the background. iiiii) Post it on Youtube and share it on Google+. EASY.

d) Create shipnames. Dr Turner + Sister Bernadette = Turnadette. Darcy + Lizzie = Dizzy. Emma Woodhouse + Mr Knightley = Knighthouse. All the couples need a shipname.

e) Make gifs. And scatter them all over the interwebs.

f) Fan pictures. They're all over pinterest. MAKE THEM yourSELF. We need MORE. (Easiest way to make it look like you're an excellent fan by creating cool, creative pictures? Put a filter over a picture and put a quote or an overused sentiment on it. In a nice font. Aaaand you're done.) Example:

(In all seriousness, this is a cute picture.)

Number Six - Pin all the Pins

On the subject of pictures and Pinterest... HAVE FANDOM BOARDS. Pin every single lil' pin there is to find on the Thing you Love. Make loooooaaaaads of separate boards. (Say you love Jane Austen? Make a Pride and Prejudice board. A Sense and Sensibility one. A Persuasion one. BE DEVOTED.)

Number Seven - DEFEND IT.

Discussions with the haters - these require sweat and energy and true strength, but as a real fan, this is one of the most important things you have to do. It is a duty and an absolute must - you HAVE to interfere and discuss and defend and rant whenever you hear someone (or see someone) say anything slightly offensive or negative about this and that movie/person/whatevs you love. Use A LOT OF CAPITAL LETTERS TO DEMONSTRATE YOUR POINT, use italics shamelessly, and Why not bold things up. Lines such as 'ur a hater!' and 'go away' and 'ur have NO idea what ur talking about' are great persuasive tools.

There are always occasions to do this - I mean, go to any Youtube fan video/ or trailer/ or documentary/ whatEVER and you'll see mean comments. If you don't, you'll see that there's at least one (probably like, 31, or, if it's a popular video, 49800000) dislikes - which gives you the sublime opportunity to comment: "The 31 people who disliked this do not have a heart." Or SOMETHING icy and defensive.

Basically, as a true fan, you must make other fans - you must tell people the TRUTH and tell it them right in their face - the hard way.

Obviously EVERYTHING in the fandom is PERFECT. Nothing in it is even remotely bad. Nothing your favourite celebrity does is even remotely bad... I mean, everyone makes mistakes sometimes but they are really PERFECT human beings. They are superhuman and amazing and well they are famous and popular and beautiful and that must mean they are perfect. DUH. I mean, the fact that they need defending proves that... um... right?!!


(*insert picture of Big Head Kid and Famous Person to see how many people watch Blimey Cow*)

Number Eight: Identify yourself as a 'fandom name.'

The fandom name. Ahh, they are badges we wear with honour and gratitude and pride. Haniacs (Hunter Hayes Fans), Austenites (Jane Austen fans), Cowmoonity (Blimey Cow fans), Swifties (Taylor Swift fans), Cumberbabes (Benedict Cumberbatch fans.)... the list of titles in the world of fandoms is endless. Be proud and stand tall and wear the fandom name with grace, dear people. Maybe you can wear a T-shirt with the word on... maybe you can hashtag #iamahiddlestoner (if you're a Tom Hiddleston fan) on every single Instagram post. I mean, it's part of your IDENTITY guys. Show it.

I mean... because you need to have a NAME to PROVE that you're a fan, right? To prove that you're part of the family... the fan-family, right? If you don't have that it's like you are ashamed of it and it's like you don't want to be a fan.

Fandom names is also what brings the fans together. Vital. Mary and Lavinia were both Matthewites, and it created a very unique bond between the two of them.

Number nine: Know facts/lyrics by heart.

... DUH.

I should have mentioned this earlier, but... duh. I mean... DUH.

It is EXPECTED of you that you know allll the Hamilton songs word to WORD before you are worthy of the title 'real fan.' You should know all the background information... all the facts... all the lyrics... all the quotes... I mean DUH.

DUH.

Number ten: Tell people you are the BIGGEST fan.

Now you can actually TELL people you're the biggest fan. The fact that you can't in reality really weigh love or obsessions has nothing to do with it - if you feel like the number one fan, that means you ARE the number one fan. You can tell people stuff like: "Oh my gosh! I'm like, her number ONE fan...' and then you can talk about all the stuff you have to prove it. Because obviously, as a real fan, you have a lot of backing up to prove that this fact is true.

If it is an actor or a person you are a huge fan of, you can actually interact (or attempt to) with whoever it is - you can comment stuff like:

"I AM UR NO 1 BIGGEST FAN"
"I LOVE U SO MUCH CHECK MY ACCOUNT PLZ"
"You are my fave I'm like your biggest fan srously I've got all your books."
"i drew u!!! i love you!!! i'm yr BIGGEST fan!!!"
"like if ur a swiftie"
"Like this comment if you are a REAL fan."
"OMG I AM HIS NUMBER ONE FAN."

This will really warm the heart of whoever you are talking too. They will feel enormously flattered.

Now you have it... you know now the road to becoming a real fan. Good luck guys. ;-)

{Okay... for those of you who are confused: This post is STRONGLY emulated with little bits of dry irony and sarcasm. Obviously no-one should be this besotted about anything on this world. That would be rather stupid of you.} (Because um, you can be a fan of something without social media and T-shirts and dvd collections and concert tickets to prove it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.)

7 tips on how to talk like Jane Austen

It was 'How to talk like Jane Austen day' several days ago, but never mind, here's a tutorial anyway. Here are some tips to make your speech utterances sounds somewhat more Jane Austen-esque. :-)

1. Try to avoid first names.

A simple trick is to address people by their Surname, with Miss/Mrs/Mr before, of course. Even if it's your husband or wife. Mrs Bennet or Mr Allan will do. (Only during long romantic autumn walks may the Christian name pop up, with some flattering adjectives to match. For example, Dearest Loveliest Elizabeth.)

2. Say 'one-and-twenty' rather than 'twenty-one.'

And that goes with three-and-twenty, or four-and-fifty, or hundred-and-five-and-eighty or whatever. It's just SO Jane Austen. (Actually, in Dutch, we say the 'one' bit before the 'twenty' bit, too. I know it doesn't make any sense, but it's prettier-sounding, sooo.)

3. Say 'indeed' rather than 'I know.'
Emma and I say 'I know' half of the time whenever we're chatting. I've seen loads of people use it, in all different forms and sizes. "ikr", and "I KNOWWWW" and "I know riiiight!?!" and so on. Well, to sound more JA-esque, use the word 'Indeed' instead. It works.

4. Put in a 'my dear' now and then.
I don't know why, it helps.

5. Use the word 'pray' rather than 'please.'
Don't say, 'Please pass me the salt.' Say, 'Pray, pass me the salt.' It sounds respectful and yet deliciously Jane-Austen-like. (Have you noticed that no-one says 'please' in the JA world? Maybe I'm wrong - pray, correct me if it is so - but I cannot recollect any 'please's. It's always 'pray.')

6. Avoid the 'don't's and 'n't's at all cost.
Do not. Not don't. Does not. Never doesn't. It's vulgar. "Does she not look beautiful tonight?" Imagine how Mrs Bennet would throw herself into a state of smelling salts if she heard someone say, 'Doesn't she look beautiful tonight." IMAGINE.

7. Say 'For' rather than 'Because.'
Always, people, always, for it is a very Jane Austen-esque thing to do. Do not ask me why, for I am at a loss.

There you go, Dear People! Now, go off, and dazzle your family members with some elegant and proper speech. :-D

How to refuse the annoying Period Drama men - A Tutorial

(This post is written for ladies, but men may read it as well if they ask me very nicely.)

So. You never know, one day a man such as Mr Collins or Frank Churchill will find himself very much in love with you. You might notice this, because of continuing awkward stares and blush-worthily embarrassing dance requests and, oh, those ghastly, ridiculous demands to go out. You will ignore him, of course. That is to say, I hope you will, old sport. But men such as these can't take hints, so BAM, one day they will find you alone and pop down on their odious knees and give you a proposal of marriage.

Saying a flat out 'no' might be hard. That is to say, it might not be enough. So here's a tutorial.
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A MAN LIKE MR COLLINS

A man like Mr Collins are men with 1) greasy hair 2) the ability to talk about one thing for three hours (btw, they normally pick an extraodinarily boring subject) 3) with the most embarrassing wave in the worlds existance and 4) very hard to refuse. It's just that men such as Mr Collins cannot take a hint. Even if you go and shout in his ears 'NO I DON'T LIKE YOU YOU ARE AWFUL AND SLIMY AND UGLY BAHHH', he will pause, slimmer, smile and say, 'Your vocabulary is very charming, my dear,' or, oh horror, 'How funny you are!' (He might even sigh in happiness, which will drive you crazy.)

So if a man like Mr Collins proposes to you, the only thing you can do is go off. Just GO. Don't even bother talking to him. Just go off.

He might try following you, just warning. So quickly jump on a bike or a bus or a steal a car or whatever so that you're out of his sight as quickly as possible. Seriously, it's important. Never mind driving too fast. (I'm happy to say, though, and people such as Mr Collins don't like running, unless they're too late for their patroness' visit. (I those cases, they make haste.))

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A MAN LIKE JOHN WHILLOUGHBY

Now, men like John Whilloughby are supposed to look very charming. They'll probably have curly black hair and they ride horses in stormy days (don't ask.) Oh, and they have a fondness for poetry (and no, the fact that you have a favourite mutual poem doesn't mean anything. Shut up.) Their love for you might be rather surprisingly genuine, but then their love for money is always more surprisingly genuine, sooo. 

Yeah. How to refuse Whilloughby. Basically tell him. Basically don't get carried away. That's basically all.

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A MAN LIKE BLANDOIS

The is the kind of man I don't even want to describe because it's that ghastly. Basically he murders people and talks in the creeeeepiest low voice ever. And he likes to point out that his name is Blandois. (Even though that's not even his real name. Duh. Stupid fellow.) He's seriously not a person - he's a monster.

So do the following. Phone the police. Get him arrested. End of Blandois. (It's all rather simple, you know.)
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A MAN LIKE FRANK CHURCHILL

Men like Frank Churchill are not really in love with you, despite the fact that they will put their head on your lap on that upcoming picnic and form several inside jokes and make judging people and laughing at people totally okay (even if they can hear you.) Yeah, you'll probably think he's a lot of fun. Heh. Thing is, with men like Frank Churchill, they are impeccably good liars, so I really don't recommend the type. Frank Churchill-guys often keep on talking about this annoying girl, and describing how boring she is. BUT REALLY THEY ARE IN LOVE WITH THAT GIRL.

So you'll end up finding yourself deceived. ANYWAY. If he goes and asks you out, or proposes a fake proposal to you (to jilt you later), just ask him if he's in love with the girl he keeps on bashing. And he'll be Very surprised that you know. (You're also allowed to stick out your tongue if you feel like it. That might add to the effect.)

And if you are the girl he really loves, don't accept him of course. (Monstrous idea.) Instead, perhaps give him a fierce sermon about 'how one doesn't propose to a girl one always jokes about and gossips about and describes unpleasantly in public.' (But do thank him for the piano, because that was nice.)
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A MAN LIKE GEORGE WICKHAM

Men like George Wickham tend to like fifteen-year-olds. They wear red coats, because that's what quite a lot of fifteen-year-olds tend to like, apparently. So if you're not fifteen, you know he won't end up with you. If you are fifteen, however, I have to warn you - you're falling in love with a guy who... oh, what's the use in explaining. You're not listening. (I'm referring to Lydia Bennet. Not fifteen-year-old girls in general. Haha.)

But there's one reason why George Wickham is a very handy guy. Listen to him talk about his enemy, and then go and snatch that said man. Because Wickham-type-guy's enemies are the VERY GOOD ONES. So thanks to Wickham you'll find your future husband. (Thank him after you're married. (Nope, don't invite him to the wedding. Not done.))
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A MAN LIKE JONAS CHUZZLEWIT

This is the kind of man that you SHOULDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT. He's not even handsome to start with. He's violent and he stinks and he's just EVERYTHING DISGUSTING. It's not even the wolf-in-sheeps-clothing thing. He's not old and big, like Blandois, but he's cruel and wicked and, frankly, looks it. Also, everything he says is odious.

JUST DON'T APPROACH HIM PLEASE. WARN YOUR SISTER. JUST DON'T.
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A MAN LIKE SIR RICHARD CARLISLE

Okay, no-one falls in love with a dude like this one, so in order for him to find himself a wife, he'll find something embarrassing you did once and threaten to publish it and make it world-wide if you don't marry him.

Don't panic. Don't paaanic. Just let Matthew sort it out for you. Or your dad. He's rich.

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Hope this helped. :-)

How to live à la Marianne Dashwood // A Tutorial

Some people find her a whiny, self-absorbed person - some people love her and admit they resemble her a lot. Other people, although they love her as a Jane Austen character - beautiful and passionate - like to laugh at her a little. (No, that last one wasn't me. Just kidding, it was.)

I do feel, though, that Marianne Dashwood lacks love from us all. She feels deeply - she truly feels it, guys, this is all painstakingly real - and she has a huge heart and a brain that works with great dramaticism and gusto. We need to love her. You can even follow her example if you want, because it all ended well with her, didn't it, and she ended up being Jane Austen's beautifullest heroine, and all that. So yeah, I guess you could say that Marianne is kind of a rolemodel. I mean, I guess so, because she's so famous - and you aren't famous for no reason, right? Right? So If you want to be like Marianne Dashwood, here's a tutorial for you.

Step one. Walk in the rain.

Rain is your best friend. You love rain. And if you don't, you have to, if you want to live à la Marianne Dashwood. Basically rain brings out the best men and that way you can marry young and live a long life happily ever after. Life as a single girl is hard.

So, when you hear thunder, or smell rain looming ahead (you can totally smell rain), you go ahead and go for a walk. Your older sister or your younger sister might tell you it'll rain, and you tell them it won't, but it will. Besides, why would the rain stop you. You love rain - why else would rain exist but to walk underneath it?

Step two. Keep on taking walks.

Why walks, do you ask? Why walking in the rain? Why it is so beneficial? Well, as I said, the best men pop up on the surface when it rains. You always faint or twist ankles when you walk in the rain, so they are obliged to pick you up (as if you are nothing but a crumpled leaf!) and tadaa - a romance blossoms. I do warn you, it might take several tries before the right man comes along. So just keep on walking in the rain and getting carried by men until you realise it is the One.

Tips for going on walks, though, don't bring your younger sister along. The wrong men come when the younger sisters do.

Step three. Never hide your feelings.

As I said, Marianne feels super, super, no-this-is-not-exaggerated-this-is-so-real deep. She FEELS with every ounce in her body, she feels, yeah. And not only that, she shows this. So never hide your feelings. When you are upset: Well, CRY, for crying out loud! (haha.) Cry, even though you're in a ballroom - (or better, faint, so that some men (because they might be the right one and you're always on the lookout, remember?) might catch you. Cry, even though people are watching. Cry in front of your sister.

And olives don't help.

So yeah, keep crying. That's just so important. No secrets or hiding-feelings for you, thank you very much! That's just utter nonsense. Everyone just has to know all your troubles. It's a vital part of life. I mean, why else do you have tears but to use them when you are in despair? I know, sounds logical, right?

And the same counts for when you're happy. When you're happy, you show it, okay? You have to dance and laugh and scream. Even in public, yes, of course even in public. Scream.

When you're cross at someone, show that too. Why, you can say 'yes' and 'no', if you manage it, but don't bother about remaining civil. Tell your younger sister to follow your example, by the way - she can hide in tree huts and under tables. Just a suggestion. The annoying people have to realise their annoyance, right? Again, this all sounds so darned obvious.

Step four. Play music according to your mood.

Of course, you can't cry too much, because sooner or later you won't have tears left. When this happens, you should find a piano and play melancholy tunes. If someone asks you to change, please Marianne, change of course (you are a very kind person), but don't change the mood of your song. You are SAD. So play a SAD SONG.

Step five. Find your husband.

Your ideal man needs to be three things: 1) Someone who can carry you home in his arms and not care about getting wet. 2) Someone who reads poetry well and 3) Someone who likes music just as much as you.

Of course, there are quite a few men who can live up to all these three standards, so here are the more specific rules. If the man needs your help to remember the poetry, he is not the one. If the man falls in love with you before he sees you and when he only hears your voice, he is the one. If the man buys a pianoforte for you, he definitely is the one. If the man has rheumatism, he's the one.

Oh, and hothouse flowers mean: That's the one.

Have fun! ;-P

Oh, and post script, everyone.

This is my Two-Hundredth post.

I'm proud.

A picture of tea to end my 200th post.

5 things I do to make me imagine I'm in a Period Drama

I have the kind of brain that sizzles with imagination. It's quiet and dully dead when it comes to Maths, though, but that's beside the point, right? (Why do we want to talk about Maths, anyway? To start with?)

You all know I love Period Dramas. Just look at my header. You can seen Sybil Crawley from Downton Abbey, Amy Dorrit from Little Dorrit, Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice and Emma from Emma. All the Period Drama-est of Period Drama's, right? So yes, I adore Period Movies. And I love to use that imagine-brain of mine to get shifted into that world of Period Drama now and then.

Want to do it too? Here are five (easy) ways to make you shift into the world of Period Dramas...

#1. When you're in a car, bend closely to the window and pretend you're in a carriage.

This one isn't hard and the effect is very rewarding. Because how many Period Dramas have beautiful carriages? Yeah. All of them. 

This is not hard to imagine when you're driving in a country-side-like area. You look at the trees whizzing past, ignore the fact that you're in a car, and bingo - it's easy as anything to imagine you're in a beautiful gold-gilded carriage, wearing a bonnet and long swishes of gowns. 

(If you're driving past cars and other such un-Period-Drama-like piffle, on the other hand, then it's harder. Then you should look up at the sky. They had skies back then too, you see.)

#2. Peer dreamily in Mirrors

This one might sound extremely... silly... but seriously, it's such a Period-Drama-like thing to do. I know Scarlet O'Hara shouldn't be one's biggest role model, but Jane Bennet did it too. 

Basically, all the Period Drama Ladies stare in mirrors. So do it. At least once every day. For five minutes. Relax. Take your time. You'll be captured to Tara or Pemberly or whatever mansion you like best immediately. Just, look in mirrors in a whimsical way. Mirrors to the trick.

#3 Never lean against the backs of chairs/benches

Sit up straight, always. Pull your shoulders backwards, have that back of yours more erect as a ruler (not that that is actually possible, but hey, you never know until you try it out.)

Even when you are sitting on a bench or a chair with the most comfortable velvet cushion-y backs, don't get temped to lean back. Don't even think of touching the back of the chair. Just sit upwards, erect, in the most beautiful posture ever, and you'll be whimsically whooshed in the sphere of the Period Drama World.

#4. Drink your tea in the elegant way

My favourite way to drink tea (or whatever hot drink I have) is with the palms of my two hands snugly wrapped around the mug, warming my whole body with sheer cosiness. But that ain't Period Drama-like.

So forget about the warmth, m'dears. And this rule counts also for cakes and other such corking nonsense. Eat your cake on a plate, with tinkly silverware. If you want to be shifted into the Period Drama World, that is. Because that's the way they drink tea, holding the little ear and nothing else. Pure sophistication!

#5. Place your hand lightly on the banister when you go up or down some stairs.

I know, I know, that sounds weird. But it works! Ever so well, even. You don't have go down in a robot-style way. You're even allowed to tiptoe swiftly. But place one of your hands lightly on the banister. It does magic. Especially when you meet long stairs - stairs that have delicious curves. We have one at our Church - one that leads down to the coffee room - and it's crazily fun to go up and down in an elegant way.

There you have it! Five easy little things! Try them. And your brain will capture the most Period-Drama-Like moments in your whole life. You'll feel tingles of excitement. You'll love it.

And now, because I haven't had a randomly nice picture in about one-hundred decades (no I don't exaggerate. What? You said I did? You mean person!), I'll end this post with a gorgeous picture of Melanie Wilkes in a puffy dove-mauve gown, touching the banister of Twelve Oaks in a beautifully charming way. Look and learn, my friends.

Mr Charles Dickens is here today with some tips for your stories

Today I am very honoured to introduce Mr Charles Dickens and have him write a guest post on my blog. I know, I know, I normally don't invite male people onto my blog, but please - this guy is so welcome. Although I must say, I think you all know him already - there's really no need to introduce him, right? But just in case you don't know him, he's a novelist and he has a beard. Slightly older than most of us, therefore making him very wise. A very experienced novelist, I might add. In fact, so experienced that I asked him to share some tips.

I have to add one more thing before Charles starts the actually post - Dickens style of blog-writing differs enormously from his novel-writing. Just in case you might get confused. :-P (But he will never use any smileys. Of any kind. Not even the classic ":-)" - He flatly refuses.)

So here is Mr Charles Dickens with some tips to brilliant stories...

This is me. I do beg your pardon for the serious expression on my face. I had only written 100 words that day and was extremely disappointed with myself and not in the spirit to be cheerful.

Dear readers, I am touched indeed to hear that people value my opinions! Here are some things/issues your stories are better of with than without...

Long messy hair-styles
I know this starts very random, my dear readers, but I advise you strongly to place on top of your beloved character's heads, some original pieces of hair. For less-well-off characters, I like the spider-web look; the shaggy dishevelled hair - they accentuate so well the face that the character is poor. Of course, the character could in reality easily and quickly cut it off or brush it with their fingers - but nay, forget about tidying it. Your poor characters need spider-web hair. Otherwise they aren't poor enough. They have to look poor - they have to look kind of creepy-poor. It's a fantastic way to accentuate their poverty.
Some examples are illustrated in the pictures below.

Loads of poor people suffering greatly
If you want a moving book - a book that will lie long in the hearts of nations - you need to bring some grim truth into it. Poverty, guillotines, war, murder, spanking, weird illnesses are some good examples. Put at least two of these grim, sad issues into your novel - no, perhaps two isn't even enough. You just need to put the grim truth in your books - shock people, shock them. Shocking people makes them remember your stories.
Of course, now and then you're allowed to write a humerous book. But even then it is important to put in some sad issues. In my story, 'The Pickwick Papers' - a book supposed to make people laugh, not to make them shocked or cry - I didn't forget this tip. When I placed Mr Pickwick in the prison, I showed my readers that life isn't just humour - it is sad. So long story short, my dear readers, put quite a fair amount of poor people in your book - make them suffer greatly.

Some very PERFECT characters
I strongly approve of drastically different characters. In my novels I try to have at least one character personifying the idea perfection of a human being. Lucy Manette and her husband in 'A Tale of Two Cities' are two lovely people - role models. In 'Martin Chuzzlewit' I have darling Mary - there really is nothing wrong with her - and of course, the perfectly good Tom Pinch. You need a few perfect characters - people have told me some of my characters are too good, maddeningly good - but I disagree! Your stories need GOOD characters. Characters that deserve not an ounce of wrong, characters that people want to see happy.

(Note from Naomi: I love these people so much! *sniffle*)

At least one character who is evil - and by evil I mean cooking evil
By contrast, you also need villains. In my opinion, a book is not a good one unless there is a deliciously creepy and evil villain inside. Not all villains have to be equally bad, I'm not saying that, but in my opinion my best books are the ones with the meanest villains. Blandois in 'Little Dorrit' is the villain I am most proud of, I have to say. I loathe him; everyone loathes him; everyone loves to loathe him; no-one feels bad to loathe him because there's not a breath in him that even hints goodness. These are the kind of people every book MUST contain.

(Note from Naomi: This isn't a note. It's just a big SHUDDER. :-O)

Weird names
Mr Pancks, Mr Squeers, Mr Winkle, Mr Snodgrass, Barnaby Rudge, Jeremiah Flintwinch, Mr Bumble... be original! When names are quirky and different, they will remain long in the brains of your readers. I understand of course, if you find it hard to come up with original names. I dare say our beloved Jane Austen had that problem. So here are some examples for you if you find it hard to think of them: Mr Pimpledomps, Mr Zark, Mr Trospetter, Mr Yomerick. Just have fun.

People that are so weird that they don't look like people
As I said before, one has to be original.
Make your character original, my dear readers, and they will stick in the minds of people! Give people one eye! Give them a huge bunch of spider-web hair! Give them a monocle that makes their eyebrows arch up for miles! Give them white powdered faces! Give them dust in their hair! Make them spooky! Make your readers' hearts pound hard! They might say you go over the top sometimes, but in the end people will love your books and they will never get enough of them.
Don't want to boast, but it worked with me.

Thank you, Mr Dickens, for writing for me! I hope you all enjoyed the post - I certainly did. Mr Dickens, I hope you will come back to Wonderland Creek more often in the future. (He just said, 'No thank you, one post was more than enough - he prefers writing his novels. But he says he enjoyed it anyway, just for once.)