Tuesday, 10 June 2014

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe ~ Review (warning: I don't like it, so be prepared)

Now and then one likes reviewing things they don't like. I mean, if one would only review their favourite movies and books ones readers would get sick of the repetition of the word 'love' and constant sentences such as 'it was amazing.' Therefore, I have decided to take the risk and review a very popular movie that lots of people seem to love but I do not endorse. I know, I'm so brave.
Firstly, I'd like to say that I can bring myself to understand why you might like these Narnia movies. Please, do not be upset at my severe criticism which you shall set your eyes on in a few moments. If you are an ardent fan of the Narnia movies or other movies like that (which includes the Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings) it might be better for you to stay away from this post. But of course, the comment box is open for arguments and persuasive essays, so feel free to read on. ;-)
First, let me make a teensy-short-paragraph-length-y review looking at the positive side. Everything has a positive side you know, and 'The Lion, the witch and the wardrobe' certainly has one too. C.S.Lewis* was a very Christian man who used his weird- ahem- special stories to show Bible stories and so. We all know the Lion is a picture of God and the witch a picture of the devil. Edmund gets tempted and the Lion sacrifices his life to save him, like Jesus died for us. I think it's a very good way to show youngsters the importance of what God did for us- I undersand totally why children like this. In fact, my younger siblings from Margaret down to Jim Bob enjoy the books and movie a lot. They aren't raving mad fans, but they would gladly watch the movie again.

*I just wanted to tell you that my granddad once slept on C.S.Lewis' hot water-bottle. Entirely beside the subject I know, but I'm rather proud of that, and I thought I'd tell you. ;-)

But, ahem, I would not. Gladly watch the movie again, that is. I've told you this in the title readers, so you've been warned and told to prepare yourself. The criticism is coming dauntingly soon now. Phew, I really don't know where to start. I suppose I'll just go through the characters, write my unkind or better-approved opinion with each of them and then at the end tell you the main reasons why I dislike this film.
THREE.
TWO.
ONE.
GO.
I'm supposed to like Aslan, I know. He's the good one, the hero. I suppose he was very kind and lovely... but he was a lion and he talked. And lions, dear readers, they are not able to talk. If you don't know this you'd better close the computer or laptop you are on now and go to your room to study some Biology. Lions cannot talk, whatever you give them.
And to make things slightly- lets say even more that it bugs me-able - it was plain as pudding that Aslan wasn't acted by a real lion. See, that proves that lions can't talk. It was plain embarrassing to see Edmund and Susan and whatnot talk with a teddy who gave them wise advice. Teddy's aren't wise and lions can't talk. That's that.
Oh I'm not done yet. Sorry people. Another thing that annoyed me with Aslan is the way he kept on quietly closing his eyes while he talked. And his voice was weird. He was just too calm and unreal that it was irritating. Oh yes, and he had too many manes.
But... yes. I suppose he was the hero. There certainly was good in him. There. I've pleased the Narnia-fans now. :)
I'm supposed to hate the witch, and I do. Who can like such an evil monster? She looks like icicle but then an ugly version. And she's terrifying because she's so mighty and ugly and icy and cruel and- make long story short, there was not a single cell in her body which even hinted a sign of goodwill.
Oh yes, and her costumes were simply ghastly and her hair-styles even more abhor-able (which, is- although it sounds similar- the antonym to "adorable".)
'Nuff said.
Peter and Susan were sort of bossy, but that's normal 'cos they are the oldest girl and the oldest boy. I'm the oldest girl too, and I'm bossy too sometimes, so that's totally understandable. And they didn't believe a word of Narnia and neither do I so thus far we sort of share our opinions.
I thought Peter and Susan were nice, really I did.
Edmund was very aggravating in the beginning. He went off with the witch to start with, he teased Lucy till she cried and he disobeyed his older siblings who were far wiser than him and had to be listened to.
But he improved in the ending and he's cute so I suppose I can just about tolerate him. But naw, he wasn't my thing.

Lucy, however, is entirely another thing. The only reason I don't like her is because she is the one who discovered Narnia and let us to a movie I didn't like. It was just so nice, in the house with the professor. Who do we want to see things that can't be real anyway?
Back to Lucy. Apart from that, she was just an absolute doll. She's clever, witty, indescribably cute and make scenes go faster, which (according to me only) is a good thing indeed. I felt really sorry for her when no-one believed her and I laughed together with her when they finally all tumbled down the wardrobe and landed in Narnia. I felt like saying 'I told you so' together with her.
Lucy was my favourite character in the entire movie.
Now I've kind of talked about all the main characters, I can go and bash on.
The main reason for disliking this movie? Well, here we go.
What's this?
A faun. Fauns don't exist and look ugly. There.
And the fact that it's James McAvoy doesn't make it better.
What's this hideous ape-robot standing at Susan's left?
I don't even know. But I know it doesn't exist and that it's very, very ugly. There.
What's this?
A dwarf. That doesn't exist and it's ugly too.
What's this?
And this thing I don't want a picture of on my blog? What's that, pray?

You might know their names, but we all know they do not exist. And we also know Lions, beavers, foxes and dogs can't talk. We also know magic potion isn't real.
I don't mind a little bit of magic in movies. I love the film Mary Poppins, for example. Mary flies, they have a tea-party on the ceiling, they tidy up their room by snapping their fingers and so on. But why does that not annoy me and the Narnian nonsense does?

Well, Mary Poppins is human and that explains it all. Dwarfs, Lions, Unicorns and Fairies are so far from being realistic that it's just hideously stupid.
Understand me, please.

That's the main reason where my dislike for this movie is founded. I also don't like the battle scene, the scaaaary scene where the lion dies etc., but that is because of the creatures, so it's the same reason.



I'm embarrassed to say it, but even the ending didn't please me. Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy all get crowned Kings and Queens of Narnia. Firstly, a county doesn't need four heads. Just to say. Secondly, an ending where children get crowned is just plain silly. It's over the top and not fun anymore.
And the children, what do they do? Happily stay in Narnia! They don't want to go back! What a notion!
Well they do get back, when they are much older. They go back and return back to childhood. Not a moment has past in the real, good, sensible world. Booo. That just adds to the weirdness.

You don't agree?


No. I take that back. I am sorry if I've upset you and I hope I haven't offended any of my readers!
As I said, the comment box is open for strong opinionated views and argumentative essays!

14 comments:

  1. First, the tag Not my thing posts :,D

    Secondly, I do like Narnia, but some of the creatures are weird. They get weirder in Prince Caspian.

    Thirdly, I agree that Aslan does look like a teddy bear, but I still like him.

    Fourthly, it seems to me, that the only reason you dislike this movie is because of the creatures. If you changed all the creatures to humans and non-talking animals, would you like it better?

    Fifthly, it is hard to argue with someone who makes you laugh, so I will leave now :D

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear that you don't like Narnia! It's one of my favorite series (movies & books)!! But... I shall restrain myself and not put my huge, opinionated, and nonsensical thoughts here. And everything's hunky dory because Downton Abbey's not my thing. So, we're even. Even though Narnia is amazing in every respect and Downton Abbey is not. See? I'm restraining myself. *winks*

    Hahaha! Second Ashley: the Not my thing tag. :D

    By the way, did I ever tell you that I love your background? Because I do.

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  3. Ashley,
    The creatures get even weirder?! Is that possible? :-P
    No, I do know it, because I've seen the voyage of the Dawn Teader (same strong feelings, I'm afraid, about that) and the creatures were weirder too.
    Well, that's a good question. I might like it better without the talking animals and creatures, yes. I don't know really. I wouldn't really be 'Narnia' then, would it? :)
    Thanks for your lovely comment!

    KiriLiz,
    Sorry, I really hope I haven't offended you. :)
    WHAT! You don't like Downton Abbey! There, we are even. :) Heehee.
    Thank you, I like my background too :) I got it from Miss Laurie- she always has the best ones. :P
    Thank you for your lovely comment!

    ~Naomi

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  4. Waaaaaal I don't think it's even necessary to tell you that I pretty much agree with everything you say. ;-) It also probably isn't necessary for me to say that this made me laugh, but I'm going to say it all the same: this made me laugh. A lot.

    I absolutely agree with you that it is often fun to review a movie that you don't like. I ought to know-- I seem to do it a lot. (Just check out my John Adams review if you want to hear me rant...haha.)

    Narnia isn't my thing either, as you know. And it would seem that we are in the minority, since everyone else seems to think it's just the greatest. I just can't really get into the whole fantasy thing. Of course I think it's great that C.S. Lewis wrote the story as a picture of the Christian life, and I appreciate that aspect of it....it's just, as you said, not my thing. I don't begrudge other people for liking it-- I'd just rather stay away from it. That's kind of what you said, isn't it?

    Waaaaiiiit a minute....your Granddad slept on C.S. Lewis' hot water bottle?!? EXPLAIN.

    I agree, Aslan has far too many manes. ;-P

    "And they didn't believe a word of Narnia and neither do I so thus far we sort of share our opinions." AHAHAHAHA.

    I know, it's almost embarrassing to see dear James McAvoy in such hideous garb. He looks positively ridiculous. Actually, I watched this movie when I was very young (and I haven't seen it since-- you can probably guess why) and so then when I watched Becoming Jane I didn't recognize him. It was quite a blow when my cousin told me that James McAvoy was actually that odd creature in the Narnia movie...kidding. ;-P But you're right, it is just plain silly.

    Yes, the other creatures are horrid! They're so terrifying! The ones in Prince Caspian are possibly even scarier. And don't get me started on the eels in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. *shudders*

    No, I didn't like the ending either. Duh.

    I found this VASTLY amusing, dear. And I am glad that we share the same views on this subject.

    ~Emma

    P.S. Kiri Liz: Downton Abbey IS amazing in every respect. :-)

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  5. Emmskers,

    I LOVED your comment. I admit, I was waiting for it. :P

    Weeee agreeee! I love it that you understand meeee. I'm being utterly silly again, I know. :)

    Well my Granddad used to be at a school or something (I think it might have been university- forgot) and C.S.Lewis was one of the teachers there. One day my granddad had a fever and someone asked C-S-Lewis, who slept across the hall, if he could borrow his hot water-bottle for my granddad, who needed one. My granddad said it was a very old metal one. :)
    My granddad has lots of special stories, I could tell you more. ;)

    DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE EEL!! Don't TALK ABOUT THE EEL.
    Brrrrrr.

    I'm so glad you laughed. :) I really enjoyed writing it.

    ~Alice

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  6. Very interesting post Naomi! I love the Narnia movies, even though they deviate quite a lot from the books, but I'm not going to rant:-) The creatures are kind of horrible....but that's what they're meant to be, evil. Well, obviously the talking animals were a figment of Lewis's imagination:-) and the fauns and stuff are Greek mythological creatures. It is a fantasy, after all. I can totally understand if it's not your thing.:-)

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  7. I am grieved to find another person who dislikes Narnia. I do not see anything the matter with nonsense, as you call Narnia, and you yourself put nonsense-friendly quotes on your side bar. I adore Peter, Susan, Edmund & Lucy. Especially Lucy, as we both love childish things, dislike trying to be grown-up, love Narnia, and are both the youngest children of our families. I am an ardent fan of Narnia and movies/books similar to it, so you can imagine how dismayed I am at this post. You continue to say that these things are impossible as if it is a bad thing. Fantasy, in my opinion, was partially made so that readers may SEE impossible things, even DO impossible things. If you had a sweet, good-tempered horse that you loved, but then discovered (think the impossible here!) she could talk, would you detest the creature for being born with an unrealistic trait she could not help? Nay, good Madam, nay! In fact, you might be able to come closer to that horse, for she might tell you things about herself you never knew! I love fantasy, for I love impossible things. Another one of it's many purposes is that it helps one escape the cares and troubles of the real world. Aslan does NOT look like a teddy bear, but is very realistic (besides the talking, ;)) and a good King. Also, you insist lions cannot talk, but in the Bible, God is often described as the Lion and the Lamb. Anyway, these are merely my opinions, though others may agree. And for those who disagree, right beyond those fur coats is the door. Please don't shut it all the way. I must go to take tea with Mr. Tumnus, and I shouldn't be long. I'll only be a lifetime, but it will feel like no time at all for you who leave. When I return, I shall be the same, only much wiser. Those who agree with me will probably stay, but if you'd rather leave, don't mind me. And you who disagree are welcome to stay as well. For those who leave -- farewell!

    Elisabeth James

    P.S.
    On the fantasy movies, 99.9% of the time, the books are way better.

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  8. Elizabeth James,

    I am very sorry indeed that my post has offended you- I really didn't mean to. :-)

    I certainly respect your opinion, and I really understand why you love these movies. I am not *against* fantasy at all, I just personally do not really like them.

    What I wrote here is merely my opinion, and please don't let it hurt you.

    Yes, I do like nonsense, that's true. But this nonsense is somewhat different- *I* personally find it hard to watch.

    Yes, I know. That's what I do like about Narnia, that God is a picture of the Lion and the it's all a picture of how God came to save the world. But, as I watched it, I didn't really find myself thinking about it that way, because everything was so weird.

    Again, sorry for offending you! It's interesting to see everyone's different opinions, isn't it?

    Thanks for the long comment, I really enjoyed reading your opinions!

    Love,
    Naomi

    PS You are right, the books are better. :)

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  9. I've stumbled across your blog, and as a fellow book-a-hollic homeschooler I feel obliged to comment - I am in no way offended, nor do I mean to offend you. This is simply my opinion.

    You are indeed saying you're against fantasy, the very notion of calling talking animals 'nonsense' and your utter disbelief and damnation of a all creatures fantastical...

    Fantasy comes from the imagination, the human imagination is not an evil place. It is a fantastical wilderland, and from it sprung great new worlds such as Middle Earth from the Lord Of The Rings, Narnia itself, even the happenings in your most beloved Pride and Prejudice are fantastical in their own way and from Jane Austen's deepest daydreams.

    I am sure you imagine impossible things, perhaps you do not realise it. The impossible, the improbable and unbelievable at a beautiful spark to life. It makes me a little sad to see people so opposed to it.

    This likely comes from your religious beliefs, although the Bible is rather fantastical and metaphorical all on it's own, in my personal opinion. All books contain stories, even nonfiction is the product of perspective and point of view.

    I hope that one day, you can open your mind outside of your beliefs, and see the works of imagination in all of their glory. It is easy to judge the unknown as bad, wrong or heresy, but the greatest experiences in life that I have known have come from a liberal mind and an open heart. Explore the wilderlands, if you are brave enough.

    You haven't offended me, and I hope I haven't offended you, this is simply my opinion, after reading a lot of your blog posts I felt inclined to share. Keep writing, you're good at it :)

    From,

    The Other Homeschooled Author Who Lives In A Fantasy Land

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  10. The Other Homeschooled Author Who Lives In A Fantasy Land,

    Thank you for your long comment! Indeed, I am not offended at all, but you are wrong- I am not at all against fantasy, neither is my family. It was, in fact, my mother who introduced me to Narnia, and me and my siblings, when we were younger, made up our own fantasy land with weird people who did fantasy-like things. I constantly use my imagination when I create my stories - I like the Mary-Poppins kind of fantasy, for example - I like to make people walk on the ceilings and make funny un-real things come to life.

    My point about Narnia is wholly a personal opinion - like me not liking broccoli (haha) - I just don't like watching weird creatures and animals talking - I just don't enjoy those kind of movies. It's just... I don't enjoy watching it.

    So yes, *I* don't really enjoy fantasy movies - I don't disapprove of it, I just personally, as an opinion, don't enjoy watching them. I personally prefer watching people. :-)

    Thank you so much! I'm glad you read my blog. I hope to see you commenting more often in the future. :)

    ~ Naomi

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  11. Howdy, Naomi,
    I just found this post and honestly, it was super interesting (as were the comments). I wanted to say, I think I understand why you don't like Narnia. When you say, "well, but it's not real," you're not telling us you think it's BAD--it's just that this particular kind of "unreal" happens to irk you. I can relate to that, because, even though I LOVED Narnia as a kid, there were other kinds of fantasy tales which I could not (and still cannot) stand. Like, have you ever read the story, "Elmer and the Dragon"? Don't. It's so CREEPY. It's not that it's any more fantastical than Narnia, but the particular way the story is told just FREAKS ME OUT. And I run all over the house screaming, "IT'S NOT REAL! WHY DID SHE HAVE TO WRITE IT?" (slight exaggeration, but that's really about how I feel when I try to read it) And yet, I'm not condemning fantasy--I'm just saying, hey, I really didn't like this story.

    Speaking of fantasy, have you ever read "The Phantom Tollbooth," by Norton Juster? You might want to try it--it might be more to your taste than Narnia. It's basically about a kid who is super-bored by life and he gets taken on this magical journey which teaches him to be excited by ordinary things--in particular, it shows him the beauty of learning and seeking knowledge. It's pretty amazing, IMHO.

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  12. Did you know that the "scary scene where the lion dies" is an actual depiction of a satanic sacrifice? When my parents saw that scene the movie was promptly thrown out of our house! But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord! :D

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