Monday, 31 August 2015

How to refuse the annoying Period Drama men - A Tutorial


(This post is written for ladies, but men may read it as well if they ask me very nicely.)

So. You never know, one day a man such as Mr Collins or Frank Churchill will find himself very much in love with you. You might notice this, because of continuing awkward stares and blush-worthily embarrassing dance requests and, oh, those ghastly, ridiculous demands to go out. You will ignore him, of course. That is to say, I hope you will, old sport. But men such as these can't take hints, so BAM, one day they will find you alone and pop down on their odious knees and give you a proposal of marriage.

Saying a flat out 'no' might be hard. That is to say, it might not be enough. So here's a tutorial.
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A MAN LIKE MR COLLINS

A man like Mr Collins are men with 1) greasy hair 2) the ability to talk about one thing for three hours (btw, they normally pick an extraodinarily boring subject) 3) with the most embarrassing wave in the worlds existance and 4) very hard to refuse. It's just that men such as Mr Collins cannot take a hint. Even if you go and shout in his ears 'NO I DON'T LIKE YOU YOU ARE AWFUL AND SLIMY AND UGLY BAHHH', he will pause, slimmer, smile and say, 'Your vocabulary is very charming, my dear,' or, oh horror, 'How funny you are!' (He might even sigh in happiness, which will drive you crazy.)

So if a man like Mr Collins proposes to you, the only thing you can do is go off. Just GO. Don't even bother talking to him. Just go off.

He might try following you, just warning. So quickly jump on a bike or a bus or a steal a car or whatever so that you're out of his sight as quickly as possible. Seriously, it's important. Never mind driving too fast. (I'm happy to say, though, and people such as Mr Collins don't like running, unless they're too late for their patroness' visit. (I those cases, they make haste.))
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A MAN LIKE JOHN WHILLOUGHBY

Now, men like John Whilloughby are supposed to look very charming. They'll probably have curly black hair and they ride horses in stormy days (don't ask.) Oh, and they have a fondness for poetry (and no, the fact that you have a favourite mutual poem doesn't mean anything. Shut up.) Their love for you might be rather surprisingly genuine, but then their love for money is always more surprisingly genuine, sooo. 

Yeah. How to refuse Whilloughby. Basically tell him. Basically don't get carried away. That's basically all.

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A MAN LIKE BLANDOIS

The is the kind of man I don't even want to describe because it's that ghastly. Basically he murders people and talks in the creeeeepiest low voice ever. And he likes to point out that his name is Blandois. (Even though that's not even his real name. Duh. Stupid fellow.) He's seriously not a person - he's a monster.

So do the following. Phone the police. Get him arrested. End of Blandois. (It's all rather simple, you know.)
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A MAN LIKE FRANK CHURCHILL

Men like Frank Churchill are not really in love with you, despite the fact that they will put their head on your lap on that upcoming picnic and form several inside jokes and make judging people and laughing at people totally okay (even if they can hear you.) Yeah, you'll probably think he's a lot of fun. Heh. Thing is, with men like Frank Churchill, they are impeccably good liars, so I really don't recommend the type. Frank Churchill-guys often keep on talking about this annoying girl, and describing how boring she is. BUT REALLY THEY ARE IN LOVE WITH THAT GIRL.

So you'll end up finding yourself deceived. ANYWAY. If he goes and asks you out, or proposes a fake proposal to you (to jilt you later), just ask him if he's in love with the girl he keeps on bashing. And he'll be Very surprised that you know. (You're also allowed to stick out your tongue if you feel like it. That might add to the effect.)

And if you are the girl he really loves, don't accept him of course. (Monstrous idea.) Instead, perhaps give him a fierce sermon about 'how one doesn't propose to a girl one always jokes about and gossips about and describes unpleasantly in public.' (But do thank him for the piano, because that was nice.)
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A MAN LIKE GEORGE WICKHAM

Men like George Wickham tend to like fifteen-year-olds. They wear red coats, because that's what quite a lot of fifteen-year-olds tend to like, apparently. So if you're not fifteen, you know he won't end up with you. If you are fifteen, however, I have to warn you - you're falling in love with a guy who... oh, what's the use in explaining. You're not listening. (I'm referring to Lydia Bennet. Not fifteen-year-old girls in general. Haha.)

But there's one reason why George Wickham is a very handy guy. Listen to him talk about his enemy, and then go and snatch that said man. Because Wickham-type-guy's enemies are the VERY GOOD ONES. So thanks to Wickham you'll find your future husband. (Thank him after you're married. (Nope, don't invite him to the wedding. Not done.))
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A MAN LIKE JONAS CHUZZLEWIT

This is the kind of man that you SHOULDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT. He's not even handsome to start with. He's violent and he stinks and he's just EVERYTHING DISGUSTING. It's not even the wolf-in-sheeps-clothing thing. He's not old and big, like Blandois, but he's cruel and wicked and, frankly, looks it. Also, everything he says is odious.

JUST DON'T APPROACH HIM PLEASE. WARN YOUR SISTER. JUST DON'T.
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A MAN LIKE SIR RICHARD CARLISLE

Okay, no-one falls in love with a dude like this one, so in order for him to find himself a wife, he'll find something embarrassing you did once and threaten to publish it and make it world-wide if you don't marry him.

Don't panic. Don't paaanic. Just let Matthew sort it out for you. Or your dad. He's rich.

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Hope this helped. :-)

12 comments:

  1. Hehe, my, what a funny blog post. ;-)
    I am actually prone to have a soft spot for Frank Churchill. But I can see how some people would greatly dislike him - I don't, although he does have some rather obvious faults. But anyway, I'm on a rabbit trail...
    I don't know the last 2, but the others (besides Frank) are annoying. Mr. Collins drives me crazy. The end. John Willoughby is very naughty and I like to high-five Elinor after she tells him off. :-D Blandois is rather creepy (he's amazing, Andy Serkies, he can pull off a tremendous Scottish accent also, in TinTin and I know him as Gollum off LotR too, which is totally different). Yup, he needs to be arrested. Immediately. Wickham is not someone I would fall for, even though I'm about to be Lydia's age, because he's just what I find annoying. I don't look down on Lizzy for liking him, but he's not my type of guy, even when he was pretending to be nice. :-P
    Very helpful, but I don't expect to have to turn down a guy anytime soon. ;-P
    I must be going to bed, it's 10 PM.
    ~Miss Meg March

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  2. Heeheehee. The Mr. Collins wave cracks me up EVERY SINGLE TIME. :-D

    BUT WILOUGHBY!!!! But he has black curly hair and rides his horse on stormy days! And we have the same favorite poem!!!! IT MEANS SOMETHING!!!!

    Haha. I guess that explains how I would react if Willoughby waltzed into MY life. I would probably be very distracted by Greg Wise's brown eyes. You'd have to knock some sense into me, dear.

    Jonas Chuzzlewit EW EW EW. Yuck. Just stay WELL away from him. He's not even handsome. He doesn't have anything good about him. Well, he's funny, but even that gets old after about a day.

    Seriously though, Jonas IS hilarious. :-D Sadie and I love to quote the part with him and his father, when Anthony is poking around the fire.
    Jonas: *slamming his hand down on the table* "Let the fire BE!"
    Anthony: "IT'S A COLD SPRING!"

    Tee-hee. :-)

    Haha, just let Matthew punch him. That seems to be the best method for getting rid of Sir Richard. I LOVE IT WHEN MATTHEW PUNCHES HIM.

    This is very clever, darling. :-) And your new design is so lovely!!!

    ~Emma

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  3. Naomi, I LOOOOOOOOVE this. I could go on and on for hours, but unfortunately I've got to pop off and study German vocab words. Just wanted to say, it's hilarious. Specially the Wickham and Frank Churchill ones. AND I WANT TO MARRY MATTHEW CRAWLEY. I haven't ever seen Downton Abbey and I can still tell he's awesome. :)

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  4. Haha! This was great! "Listen to him talk about his enemy, and then go and snatch that said man. Because Wickham-type-guys' enemies are the VERY GOOD ONES!" Hahaha! So true! I like that. And Mr. Collins! OH MY GOODNESS! "With the most embarrassing wave in the world's existence"! That is so spot-on. His wave is ridiculous! We laugh at that part so much! (And we feel very sorry for Charlotte. (I'm afraid your tutorial came too late for her, poor thing.))

    That gif from Downton Abbey! Wow! It's hard to stop watching it. "Yay, Matthew! Give it to him!" Haha! And Mary's reaction! :) Gifs are so funny.

    You changed your blog look again! It's quite a change from pink...but I like it. Nice job! I was wondering...in your header, what is the third picture on the top from? I don't recognize that movie. And, oh! That picture of Minnie peeking around the corner is so cute! :)

    ~Miss March

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  5. Thank you for the advice Naomi!! And believe me I will follow it if I ever come across any of those type!!

    But I have to admit. I might not leave it to my 'Matthew', I would probably do the punching myself. And I probably wouldn't feel the least bit sorry if I 'accidentally' broke his nose while doing so!

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  6. Ah!!! It's the Mr. Collins wave! :P

    Very fun post, Naomi! :) Especially the part about Wickham-- "Listen to him talk about his enemy, and then go and snatch that said man. Because Wickham-type-guy's enemies are the VERY GOOD ONES. So thanks to Wickham you'll find your future husband." LOL!! :D

    Oh, and Matthew punching Mr. Carlisle! That's great!! That just makes me think of my brothers... and bro-in-law. ;)

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  7. Loooooovvvved this post to PIECES, Naomi!! Awesome job :)

    Haha, I loved the Whilloughby one. "Basically tell him. Basically don't get carried away. That's basically all." Oh yeah, that's all. That is all, all right :P

    Yay, "Frank Churchill-type gentlemen" get what was coming to them! Stick out your tongue. Absolutely. Also stamp your foot. It adds to the effect.

    Ohhh Matthew Crawley! *Cool much.* I've never seen Downton Abbey, but he looks AWESOME :)

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  8. This is so great!
    I love it so much! Thanks for the laugh old bean! :-D

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  9. You're posts like this always make me laugh. :) Cool new layout by the way! :)

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  10. "But do thank him for the piano, because that was nice."

    Hahahaha. This was funny, needless to say;D You're dashed clever, Naomi!

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  11. Thank you SO much, all in sundry! :-D

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  12. Excellent advice!


    In my own experience, even being Already Married does not exempt one from Odious Young Men you work with trying to insinuate themselves into your life by making Intolerable Remarks at every opportunity. I have found the most effective way to combat Odious Young Men like that is to make friends with some Growly Older Gentlemen who may or may not have once had ties to the mob in Chicago, but who most definitely were in the military about forty years ago and bear the manly tattoos to prove it. These Growly Older Gentlemen will have zero trouble scaring the Odious Young Men away from you. I also recommend you bake cookies for the Growly Older Gentlemen now and then, as nothing ensures lasting friendship like chocolate chips.

    (Yes, true story.)

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